To sleep per chance to... sleep in...

I am elated. Yes elated. Guess where I am RIGHT this moment? Go on... give it your best shot. You have no idea do you? Ha-ha! I'm thinking that right now all sorts of unsavory pictures are heading through your minds... anyone who has fallen victim to my quick-witted dodgy sense of humour would naturally lean towards the grotty. Well you little pervies its not like that at all....

I am, despite the brilliant sunshine, still snuggled in my warm delicious bed and I don't feel guilty one freakin bit. I went to bed last night so excited I was unsure I would be able to fall alseep - as luck would have it I was knackered so sleep came quite easiliy. You cannot believe how much I was looking forward to it being Saturday today. More than expectedly normal. Why? Well it's quite simple really...

I cannot remember the last time I slept in on a Saturday morning... in my own bed... in my own home... I awoke this morning and just about cried, it was like I hadn't seen my lovely little adobe in the crisp morning light in so long... I tell you it was like the opening sequence to a chick flick it was that sickenly perfect. I rolled out of bed (ever so slightly less graceful than a movie star and looking a little more dishevelled in my purple flanellette jarmies and panda eyes) grinning all the way - made toast and coffee and talked to myself like a nutter throughout.

I brought my brekkie back to bed and grabbed my book. O, o, oooo for freakin Orsum. Sounds silly I know but I am really really truly in a right giggle about it.

So I tuck into my toast and my copy of 'Twilight'. Yes I do follow the fads at times - shut up you lot it makes me feel young. I like to see what the fuss is all about, I like to be able to talk to the young and the old and not feel like I'm categorically confined to either. Enough explanation and justification for you? Great now zip it while I continued with this morning's epiphany...

Yes the book has an effect. It is very cleverly written. Just as the legends tell of vampires having incredible psychological/hypnotheripeutic powers as does this novel. Which brings me to my next theory that the author either IS a vampire or a hypnotheripist or with some doctorate in psychology. AND a feminist. AND a romantic. AND a little sado-masochistic if we're talking honestly here...

Yeah I admit it... I've seen the movie and the chemistry is well directed... and I am drawn even futher into it through the book because I can invest as much or as little of my emotions as I like. And yes... Edward is a very very powerful, dark, sexy and steamy character - oh come on he's a vampire for fecks sake of course he's all that. Bella is the fairly cool, unperfectly perfect female (thank you for being a brunette by the way and not completely retarded), instinctive, strong, attractively aloof. So yeah okay I'm buying this jazz... it's entertaining and I'm lost in the world so that's cool. Except for one thing...

This is where I apologise to all the Twilight fans out there... don't hate me 'cause I'm honest alright? I've just told you all I LIKE the story... its just the personal implications it has on me are a little disturbing. No I'm not afraid of Vampires, no I don't feel ick at the sight of blood, no I'm not a pessimist because I know its not real from being behind the camera blah blah blah...

But... just as I'm waking up in my home elated to feel free... not watched... not remote controlled... not mechanically driven through my life by the higher force of emotions and relationships..............................I'm bloody reading about it.

She comes out of class BAM! he's there. She's out the door ready for school WHOOSH! he's by the car. Okay so she's about to get jumped by 4 guys and EEERRRRK! he's screeches to a stop in the Volvo and she's saved and that's pretty cool.... but hello... STALKER! Hello... CLAUSTROPHOBIA... Hello... HAUNTED. Hello - ISSUES... SEE YA.

Okay so maybe I'm just a tad oversensitive due to recent domestic situations but it kinda killed my buzz a bit this morning - I really was getting into the whole love story thing but...

I will of course put it into my own perspective for you simpletons (before I cause mass Edward-loving hysteria)....Okay...

Sometimes I fart. Yes I've been know to fart. I'm a lady when I can be but hey a lot of people fart and I'm one of them. Now IF I'm being stalked, followed, mind-read, obsessed over the LAST thing I want is to be out on a Twilight fantasy date (with Edward's slightly less skinny and more blokey attractive older brother)... and have him look me intensley in the eyes and say...

"So... yesterday - you farted."

"Did not."
"Lier"
"I didn't!"
"Yes you did."

Silence. Conjour up my coolest 'Bella' impersonation...

"Well Mr "I have super-human vampire ears" let me tell you something my Mum always told me... If you don't eat, you don't shit. And if you don't shit, you die. Now you don't eat so you obviously don't shit which means you SHOULD be dead and you are but you're not. And futhermore I bet if you DO shit you would declare infatically that it doesn't stink and it probably doesn't because you're the undead and it most likely shoots out like frozen yogurt or a slushy and makes your bum colder than a long-drop in the middle of winter and while you sit there on your toosh with your willy chilly I bet the one thing you wish for... what you would really really love to do... is warm your arse with a fart".

And Edward's-less-skinny-more-blokey-attractive-older-brother would look at me with his searching, smouldering golden eyes and say...

"You seemed to have forgotten how dangerous I am to you... I hear your thoughts, see your dreams and can smell your scent from 3 miles away... I cannot get enough of you.... I cannot fight this, I should... I know. I have never loved a human so much that I didn't want to feed on it. So thank Christ for your farts because that totally puts me off wanting to suck anything outta you babe."

Problem solved. I might get out of bed now.

Before I do I must get to my point because the whole Edward's older brother catching me out on a botty burp allowed for a digression I didn't plan for. The fact of the matter is due to my own shadowed circumstances of trying to exist in a real grown up relationship I realised that like Dorothy and Toto... there's no place like home and as much as the fantasy of Edward and Bella intrigues me... the lack of independence and privacy gets to me. There needs to be a balance, it has to be home, love, protection, understanding. respect, trust and uniqueness all in one.

For me... it's the disappointment of loving the book, watching the movie and realising there's always something missing - albeit a small insignificant detail to the naked eye - but unavoidably massive when you've invested your expectations and emotions in the story.

So... Edward and Bella - good luck... I am looking forward to slowly progressing through your stories... just a few steps behind the fad (coz that's how I roll) and I do hope in time I can get over my suffocation issues enough to enjoy the fantasy. As for wanting a real-life vampire like billions of other swooning Eddie fans throughout the world... yeah - nah. Too freakin intense for me, plus I hate hickies, adore food and love the beach so we'd be screwed.

Gimme Wolverine anyday. Or Van Helsing... crikey imagine the parties!??

I'm going to get up now... put my stereo on and clean my house. Okay so I'm not too thrilled about the cleaning part... but despite all my complaints and wishes for a wee collonial cottage in the sticks... I love my little whare. It is... really good to be home :-)

Have a groovy weekend :-)
Peace and love for vampires.
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