Confessions of a Chubba-chup

It came back.

Well can't say I didn't help it just a little.  Okay - A LOT.

REVENGE OF THE M O N O A B

*shudder*

Several dozen Corona a week can do that to ya.

Those dedicated blogees around in oooh 08/09 ish will remember this... the tears, the turmoil, the triumph... how oh HOW could it have gone so horribly wrong? 

Holy shitballs... I've figured it out (again)... same shit - different explanation... it is the attack of the muliple C'Z

Codys.  Yes, yes you may be right...

Chocolate.  Uh-huh that too I agree, yup, yup...

Couch.  Oh shit yes, absolutely paramount part played. 

Corona's.  Oh.  So, sooo many Coronas... blerrk!  (Ever noticed how they smell like wacky backy after a few doz?  Hmmm, curiouser and curiouser)

Crying.

Crap.

Ciggies. 

The final three kinda speak for themselves really except the last was replaced with the first 5.  Ace plan.  Not.

There is no clinical terminology for it, booze-hagatosis? Piggywiggy-itis? Lazy-arse-adocious?  Hmm these do spring to mind but thats a bit playground harsh really - you and I both know they are not actually medical terms.  Sounds more like a song from that little known musical "Merrily Poppin'" called "You can't fly, ho, you're in rehab, hallucinating".

Truth of the matter is that I let myself go. Mass disappointment :-(

SO the process begins again... FFS!! (google it).  This time there is a support network though and I'm probably doing things the right way rather than surviving on a powdered promise that kinda tastes like a strawberry quik when there is only about 4 granules left in the tin - yeah quick but not 'berry' nice :-) ha ha ha.  Right.

The monoab's been a totally different obstacle this time around I must say - a rather clever monster - not unlike 'The Blob' actually.  I'm serious... it was...darker, sneakier. Its capacity - massive, its hunger - insatiable and a sinister thirst that was unquenchable.

It started off easily tuckable into various freaky, stretchy, stomach-holding-in aparatai...and it worked quite nicely at hiding the slowly spreading muffin manifesting within. Of course then, in what seemed like 'overnight' the inevitable and humiliating "TRIPLE S" occurred.

SPLIT SAUSAGE SCENARIO.

All I can say is 'be careful what you tuck in, for fear of what may pop out'.

At times I resembled an overfilled icing bag.  I had bulbous protrusions from my armpits, shoulders, hips and a brand new bum situated on the front of my thighs.  What the...? Not to mention my famous additional nipple-less breasts growing on my lower back.  Thank god I never got that tramp-stamp I planned... bloody thing would look like a 2-year-old's squiggly line on terrain that rugged.

Oh I felt bad about myself... I had to get a bit of a rock-on to heave myself off the couch...it hurt to sleep on my side - legs committing GBH by just lying on each other.  My hips felt like they were in a pressure vice and if I lay on my arm... it took at least an hour each morning to wake the damn thing up... makes the usual female pre-work prep, polish and preen ritual a bit challenging when you've only got ONE FRICKIN ARM! 

I also had to purchase... *gulp* leggings AND jeggings.  Real jeans were a distant memory - if I wanted to breathe and perform bodily functions like normal people. 

Every piece of underwear I owned felt like bloody bondage gear. 

I huffed and puffed and blew my way round.  Even my brief career at football wasn't the silver lining I hoped for... I was better at the bar than the ball.  (I know - no surprises there)

I kind of resigned myself to the sadistic self-loathing attitude of "oh well, I'm over 40, maybe this is ME from now on". 

But fark that jelly.  I decided that if monoab was gonna play dirty - so was I.  

I ditched the piss.  It really isn't great for any part of me anyway... who wants to be a sad nutcase, drunken, fat cow?  "Not I" - said the pig :-)

Although this mighty huge step made a significant difference in my brain activity, unfortunately the damage had already been done further south...and this was only one part of my wayward lifestyle.

Okay... so I listed what I love:

Chippies
Choccy
Bread
Pasta
Bickies
A fucking awesome burger.

Hmmm... does ANYONE want to address the obvious 'elephant' in the room.  No?  Okay I will then...

"Stylz... you're freakin diet sucks."

Yeah no shit.

"And get off the frickin couch..."

Grunt.

For months now I'd been really good at one thing when it came to food - I was actually having breakfast, every day - well every WORK day at least.  After that I was pounding vitamins like balls of crack.  All the goodies... EPO (for chick shit), Fish Oil (odourless of course, we girls have enough issues thanks very much), B Stress (so you WON'T B Stressed), Probiotics for the pooper, Slippery Elm to assist, Magnesium at night for nervous system, Adrenal support in the morning for that extra mental kick but balance out the mental bashings.

I'm the only woman I know that can swallow 8 tablets at once.  Told you I could eat.

So I figured I had two steps already nailed - brekkie and vitamins.  Next step - water intake.

Whether we like it or not... if its Atkins, Jenny, Tony, Dukan, Can Can, Lemon, Slimmers or whatever diet fad you've got your freak on, every single one of them tells you to up the H2O.  And EVERY TIME I DO I LOSE WEIGHT.  So simple.  So freakin annoying.

Since it was winter I started drinking hot water - more cost effective than my previous aqua of choice 'bubbly water' and pleasant.  Of course though you've barely wiped your hooha before you're busting again.  A friend of mine's husband told her she was "pressure cleaning" the toilet with the amount of fluid she's flushing through their ensuite on a daily basis. 

Yeah I pee.  A lot.  But I can now multitask - I bend over to shave my legs - while breathing.  Winner. 

So I've got the water happening, the vitamins, the most important meal of the day covered, a bit of a detox programme in the evenings so now its the dreaded INBETWEENERS.

Lunch and Dinner.

A favorite pasttime of mine was to starve all day... maybe have a kit kat at about 3pm (nom, nom, nom), then go home, sugar crash, then eat continuously until about 10pm or until I ran out of food.  No wonder my bedroom was a noxious gas chamber. 

I removed all quick fixes from the pantry, throw some hippy food into a container each day and take it to work where I survive on the crunchy freshness of whatever salad/vege concoction I create.  Then at home I make something resembling a healthy tea at night.  And I'm getting pretty good at both.

Pretty soon, it was obvious the 15 missing bickies each night was actually making a difference.  A slow decline... but a decline indeed.  Slow and steady wins the race - a proven fact by the tortoise thank you very much all you "except for that black dude in the olympics" smarty-pantsies.

6 weeks has passed I have formed a wee pattern of better living in my life - not strictly depriving myself of the odd treat - bit of cheese in the old omlete or a bite of  Mr Chemicals's yummy something (I'm referring to FOOD).  And I've changed shape significantly.  Not a huge plunge in weight - I didn't want something unsustainable like last time - but a little drop, day by day, week by week.  Mind you, when all your eating is lettuce which is mostly water and you're pissing like a racehorse then the law of averages suggests you may shrink a tad.

Next little hurdle... find that big scary machine buried somewhere under the drop sheets and paint cans scattered in the spare room. Ah... there it is!!... Not frightening at all when you drag it out into the living room so you can run AND watch the telly!  Woohoo! I do not know why I didn't think of that the first time I bought the damn thing.  Who cares if it doesn't 'go' with anything - I got no matching shit anyway and with it sitting out there all big and threatening in the corner, staring me down when I'm playing my daily 'can I really be arsed' game of self doubt... at least I can't hide it away and pretend it doesn't exist... kind of what I used to do to myself really :-)

So it seems this new twist on a very old Vik may be working.  Again.  Well... it always DID work... I just couldn't be arsed paying the wages...

Oh christ I've gotta go... I've blabbed on for far too long and I need to gaddam pee again.

Peace and love for monoabs...

Yeah right.

Lots of squdges (bony ones)

Stylz

xoxox

My Bucket Runnith Over...

I am in an AWESOME mood!


Hmmm… you know midway into summer when you down tools around the house one weekend and maybe decide to go for a wee drive along the stunning Noo Zuland coastline? You zoom around the winding roads with the windows down, your hair blowing around like a Beyonce video wind-machine-special and singing your favorite tunes loud enough to piss even the seagulls off….

During your wee soulful sabbatical through the rural farmlands and coastal communities you come across ‘honesty boxes’. Little fruit and grocery sheds next to mailboxes along the highways, with some of the brightest, biggest and juiciest fruit and veg lovingly bagged for your convenience and just a wooden money box there to donate something in exchange for getting 4 x times the size of your regular 5 plus a day at a fraction of the cost…

This is where you find the best fruit ever. Always juicy, never sour and definitely without that ‘freshly thawed’ glassy tasteless flesh. Ohh yes… roadside fruit is the bomb-diggity baby. My fav is finding the TRUE New Zealand black grape… the ones that you used to pinch from the neighbors’ backyard vine when you were a kid… thick black skin… pale green centre and the sweetest taste in the world… a real rarity in Aucks now and some overpriced Californian bland substitute cheats you into a disappointing purchase if you’re not prepared to venture further afield.

Bear with me… this is goin’ somewhere I promise…

Best peaches and nectarines in the world along the roadsides of Aotearoa… perfect texture, not too soft not too hard and a pure taste sensation when you bit into them and the juice runs down your chin… it’s just magical and soooo satisfying.

That’s where I’m at right now… my life is the first bite of a freshly harvested summer peach…

When it came to “Life Begins at 40” I was pretty skeptical – probably because 40 started with a guts-ache and a crap rather than the funfair ‘hiss and a roar’. I’d like to forget my 40th birthday for a lot of reasons not associated with age. I have survived the first 9 months of 40 – 5 of which were pretty fricken weird like I was functioning by remote control externally. I held my emotions inside like I was wound tightly with a rope and all the while feeling like I was trying to hold in a massive fart or sneeze of emotion or something.

There would be times when I barely made it home and inside the house before I’d collapse in a heap. Wishing I could just close my eyes and feel at peace. Shut down the voices in my brain and release the rope from my chest.

And cry. Oh man did I cry. Which is good but when it started it was nearly impossible to stop… I had a buggered washer in my waterworks that’s for sure!

But now… as I take a swing around to look at the path I’ve just trampled through I am pretty darn excited with where I am right now…

My life is the first bite of a freshly harvested summer peach… and it feels bloody good inside and out.

I can accredit this peachy time to so many positive influences and people in my life… my love, my family, my friends, my work colleagues, The Big reTHiNK and all the great people I worked with on it and all the wonderful stories that were busted out to the universe for the very first time ever… yeah I have a lot to be thankful for… mostly me really.

For being brave, for listening to my heart and following it, for finding my inner peace and acknowledging how good it is to be me.

To carry on the trend of goodness, it’s “Pink for a Day” today supporting the NZ Breast Cancer Foundation and I think I’m the first person in my 8-5 history that has ever had the balls to wear a bright pink wig and a tiara into a male-dominated environment. Gotta admit though, the blokes have impressed me today… most wearing something resembling the closest and most manly form of pink they can stomach :-)

To add to the frivolity I made a batch of pink chocolate chip cookies last night that came out pretty darn good if I do say so myself… gave a handful to my coffee lady who freaked out at my pink wig hehehe. So what a change aye? I hardly recognize myself… I’m at home cooking and baking my arse off not out drinking and rooting my brains out hehehe – do I miss it? Not on your nelly. Do I regret it? Not one second. Well perhaps that one time... :-)

Not only THAT, but today my successes have also reached a financial win-fall seeing me bursting out of a sleepless toss of budgetary stress that threatened my beauty rest AND my wallet. So… I really can’t see any downside to this situation?

Holy Shitballs. Am I finally believing in myself?

Off to buy a lotto peeps!! Yep… IN MY PINK WIG!!

Woohoo…!!!

Lots of luff and squdges…

(Pretty in Pink)

Stylz

xoxox

One Moment in Time... When I'm More Than I Thought I Could Be...

The Big reTHiNK 2012 - Best Director, Vikki Cottingham "Mad O Phobic"

A bit of a 'toilet tribute' from my fantastic cast...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n1Y5YdZTAL0

Full blog of blubbering to follow... but I'm a wee bit lost for words right now... it's a bit hard to talk through this shit-eating grin that is a permanent fixture... pig in poo people, Pig. In. Poo. :-)

Okay I've calmed down now... well no not really hehehe... aww mann!  What an awesome way to ice an already sa-weeet tasting cake!!  I humbly and honestly thought that this would go to another person on the night... and I'm almost positive I wouldn't attempt a 'poke, snatch and run' ... almost... :-) 

But they called MY name. 

A little westie nuthin' much from suburban Glum Eden won a people's choice award for a job that most don't really understand and that had nothing to do with "AM-DRAM" but a professional production with a phenomenal message performed in DOWNTOWN AUCKLAND at the stunning Q Theatre.  Far out that is quite trippy when I type it out loud :-)

I tried to accept the award on the night with poise, elegance and grace but in true Westie style I squealed like a banshee and then promptly started leaking out my eyeballs and nose and exclaimed loudly into the mic "holy shitballs!"... dammit. 

I couldn't help it... this meant so MUCH to me... and I don't mean just the beautiful hand made sculpture trophy (which is amazing), or the shiny gold badge that has my name (even spelled correctly) on it... but this WHOLE EXPERIENCE.  From the moment I typed "Okay I'll do it" to 3.30am last Sunday morning when I said goodbye to the final few left standing of my new friends this has been the best experience of my life. I get still get this teary, well of massive achievement inside when I think about the last 6 weeks and what was accomplished by so many people from so many backgrounds and walks of life.

It had everything...passion, commitment, empathy, hilarity, comradory, professionalism, support, talent, uniqueness, dedication, belief, pride and an immense amount of love and positivity and every single person involved in it or watching it felt exactly the same and part of it.  It was a truly amazing show. 

So now its time to fall back into normality (hahaha - inside joke) and back into the daily routine and beejesus its pissing me off!!

After feeling so good about everything and it also being Mental Health Awareness Week AND Awareness Day today... I felt a bit lost.  Almost like I needed a big cuddle from all my reTHiNK friends again.  The 8-5 is SUCH a drag.

Let me try and explain a bit of my post-production emotional turmoil...

Lets see... well, its like wearning a comfy outfit that you feel totally sexy and secure in and then being forced to put on an ugly school uniform that make you feel fat and insignificant... you know you HAVE to wear it...it just doesn't fit.  I work to live - that's my uniform. Don't get me too wrong, at the 8-5 its cool and there's heaps of neat people, great mentors, challenges and mostly fun stuff to do and I enjoy it... but I long to wear my comfy clothes most of the time, heck all of the time! Or, even just a little bit of the time... I just wish it was possible :-)

Its also a bit of a self esteem thing... I've been high as a kite on excitment adrenalin for over a month and almost kaliedoscopic all of last week so theres' got to be some kind of a come down... a withdrawal.  Its just such a shame because I felt such joy and absolutely confidence.  In who I am, what I can do, my heart and my mind... I wish I could have bottled the feeling, honestly it was wonderful.

But that's all part of MY personal challenges... and I take too much general human ignorance to heart :-)

So I must accentuate the positive!... What did I do for Mental Health Awareness day to make someone happy and smile?  Well I cooked a yummy dinner last night... first attempt at Chicken Chow Mein from scratch, then baked a Carrot Cake - again a virgin experience - and shared them both... no one died (hehehe) :-)

Everyday I stop at the same coffee cart parked at the Church on Donovan St in Blockhouse Bay and Mikayla, the barista who makes the BEST trim mocha's in West Auckland, is there, rain or shine, greeting every customer with a smile, a free coffee now and then and even free brownies for her regulars just because she appreciates their business.

Mikayla is from Romania, her husband is a chef currenlty dabbling in DIY and they have two small children and they are the nicest people in the world.  Lately Mikayla has felt a little down, not sure of why and has shared how upsetting it is for her.  Maybe it is the pressure of saving for their trip back to Romania later this year, having to leave their home, the children's school and friends or just that thanks to hubby her kitchen pantry exists in her wardrobe - that would bum any girl out :-)

I remember a few of my darker days where just her smile and "how are you beautiful lady" would bring tears to my eyes and she'd come over to the car window and rub my arm reassuringly.  I don't know why I felt it was okay to show my feelings to her but her warmth and sincerity just comes across so effortlessly.

So today, in giving back to the energies of karma I took Mikayla a piece of my carrot cake.  It had rolled around in the container a bit... smooshing the icing all over the place which blew my MKR-style presentation... but she accepted it with great joy (like I'd handed her... oooh an 'award' or something!) and exclaimed:

"Oh 'fank you!!!  Caallot Cake is my favorilit and I did not eat-a bleakfast today so I gonna eat it now!!!!  Oh vat is so luffly of you!!!" - yep... just the same as when I gave her my shopping stickers for free glasses - immense, genuine joy.

Cool aye?  Two strangers... both see each other for a maximum of 5 minutes on weekdays... both shared pain and joy.... coffee and cake :-)

Hope you get heaps of hugs today and you have a happy heart tomorrow :-)

Lots of squdges

[The AWARD WINNING...]

Stylz

xoxoxoxox