Hello old friend... it's been a while.
I'm sitting here at my desk halfway through the first week back at work after the big Christmas and New Year hoo-haa and there are so many things I should be doing, I could be doing and I'm not. I don't want to, I can't focus or think properly and I feel like I've aged 50 years and regressed 20. By the way...
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
I think I missed wishing you this leading into 2010 AND 2011 so consider it back payment for old Auld Lang Syne moments that could have been.
Hmmm... rather weak opening statement and quite frankly an epic fail on my part considering it is now June 2012.
Yes it's sad but true - it has taken me almost 7 months to write those two sentences. Let's start that again shall we? Ready? Come on... I know you're feeling a little vulnerable and slightly used but trust me... it will be worth it... here we go................................
Gidday Mate - HTF hv u bn?
Yes that's much better...
I'm sitting here at my desk midway through a Friday and looking forward to a long weekend thanks to an awesome company directive... the rostered day off policy. Don't be jelly... its just how we roll.
It's true I lost the gift of the blog for a while [I'm here, I'm lazy, get used to it] my bad - if it is any consolation it hurt me more than it hurt you. I should have kept in touch... its amazing how 'un-mental' you feel when you spew out your guts on a regular basis - metaphorically of course but by golly I put in a marvellous effort pushing the limits on the literal meaning of the phrase just quietly.
One of my favorite punch lines at the moment that always gets a delightful guffaw from an eager audience is "if you squeezed me like a sea-sponge I swear I'd drip beer" potentially flat beer of course and a bit warm but pure Corona none the less - minus the lemon, mixed with a bit of Heineken for good measure, Bourbon [well that's a given] and maybe a couple of ciders - the berry ones. True story. I might have dried up a little in the last month or so but tell you what... I think I consumed more alcohol during the first half of 2012 than during my entire mid-to-late 20's early 30's - consequently I have conveniently forgotten the last two decades - thank you damaged frontal lobe.
Drinking to forget - oh my god does that statement scream volumes. You don't actually forget the pain you were hoping to dull with a dozen Cody's - honest - but its times like the 'remember when' stories that you find you're brain has suffered major anal leakage thanks to someone's brilliant idea of the neurotoxin marinade that is ALCOHOL.
But oh I do remember laughing...
I may have lost days, names, details, stomach contents, undies, friends and dignity but I do remember mostly having a lot of fun on the piss... there is a moment for me during the process of 'getting ya booze buzz on' that I am alive... oozing wit, charm, humour, sex appeal, confidence, talent and control... but all this attention does is get one a little too excited and I drink faster... therefore drowning my previous peak of awesomeness within a matter of about ooh... half an hour, depending on whether they are 5 or 8 percenters of course...
Funny how at that precise moment... your physcial appearance is altered by what seems a ghostlike presence - within a matter of microseconds your mascara has melted down your nose, freckles, zits and wrinkles are blasting their way out of a thinning wall of foundation faster than a bull run in Spain and your hideously expensive frangrance now has a strong funky moonshine undertone to it. The bags under your bloodshot eyes resemble a coupla black puddings (in size, colour and texture) and your beautiful hair that you spent an hour sweating and fighting achy arm syndrome to get it looking just like a freakin Kardashian... now hangs lank over your greasy forehead, droopy, knotty, daggy and makes you look like you live at a trailerpark. The inside of your mouth feels like a used pull-up... and your breath ain't far behind. Not to mention you have to dangerously negotiate (and remember) your way to the loo every 3 minutes due to fear of LBL or BBS..WWIP (burst bladder syndrome.. woops wees in public) and there's never ANY freakin toilet paper left and well that's just gross. If you're on beer you're bloated, top shelf you're chundery and wine... well for me I know I'll be suffering bum wees and its not a matter of maybe but WHEN. It's not attractive and its not fucking fair I tell you.
All of this pales in comparision to the winner of the top gajillion list of "things I can't stand about gettin smashed"...
#1 Dumb shit.
- paranoia
- crying
- aggro
- shagging in a toilet
Oh ALL SORTS.
And would you bloody believe it but THAT's the shit my frontal lobe refuses to evacuate. And when you've got a backlog of about a quarter of a decade's worth... she's a hard road finding the perfect colonic for the psychi.
Flashbacks are a bitch in technocolour baby I shit-you-not.
NB: You know its bloody hard to forgive yourself when some of your finest moments are replaying in HD on series link mode every day from around 11pm to 3am. 'Fear Factor'? More like 'Cringe' factor and epic 'Wipeout' re-runs mixed with a little dose of 'Desperate Housewives' minus the calefornication (but also including it). When all you want to do is bring back 'Happy Days'.
AGE... its not a word I throw around lightly because it makes me nauseous. I still feel in my early 30's and that's about all the norty I can handle about being 40. But I have to admit... begrudgingly... that I have done quite a bit of growing up this year. Not to the point where I'm retiring my girlie bits, embracing upper lip hair and growing fond of second-hand tracksuits... no way man... but I AM trying to avoid the dumb shit... while working on forgiving myself for the fun I had getting to DO the dumb shit.
Because some of it WAS fun... in fact a lot of it was awesome :-) much of it was dodgy and bits of it many of you would have a really hard time believing - shit even I do and I was there! Parts of it were top secret... where even names changed wouldn't protect the innocent...(Noo Zullind is SUCH a small place) not that there was anything remotely 'innocent' about it or it wouldn't be a fricken SECRET - duh! So those ones are best keep in the classified section of my X-files. Sorry to dissappoint.
I don't expect the last time I got inebriated and did something dumb will be my last...I'm hoping for a slightly bigger gap between idiotic episodes. But the last time a huge amount of good came out of a moment of sheer stupidity. Now kids I'm not saying that just because "Monique thinks your dumb" nek minit something choice will happen [first and last time I promise that's why I used them both at once!] - I just happen to have hit the lowest of the low while being the highest of the high and achieving the bestest of the best.
Fuck knows how. That doesn't even make sense really... but it does to me and that's what counts.
Alright you lot - now that I've broken the ice maybe ya'll come back now and for any newbies... have a read and a giggle at me lil stories from yesteryear... you never know you just might enjoy it. I recommend "Don't mention the C-Word", "0 Comments", "Inspiration is the new thin" and "Lightening Crashes an Old Mother Cries" coz they tickle my funny bone.
Luv yaz...
Stylz - back!
Lock up your Woodys :-)
xoxo
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