Well that just rips my undies.
The ONE time I pour out my soul, cry for help louder than a huckery old whore with a broken stilleto... you guys decide to dissolve into the ethos. Hello? Am I resigned to the pathetic echos of a 'Nigella-no-friends' cyber life again? Are my literary splurges now SOO predictable that you have lost your interest? Or...God forbid... you have all (all 5 of you) found a life beyond fibre optic pleasure? You bastards... I'm so jealous.
Anyhoo... the delight of chemicals is still running rampant through my inner void but I fear, like a drunk diagnostic worker, I have missed the vein and come out the other side with a sad-sack sounding 'woops'. I have realised that age and too many bar-leaner romances have thwarted my inner romantic. I suck at chemicals. I did EXACTLY what I didn't want to do... ran faster than a coyote on crack. I drifted back into the blur of the wallflower... and stayed there kicking myself. What a loser.
The doubt and paranoia and unknown consumed me and I spent the last few encounters keeping my distance. Thus the electricity has subsided ever so slightly... until... tonight. Great. So... that means... another 3.30 wake-up... with a croaky "aww farrrrrk!". Then a bathroom excursion, which, as I am housesitting at present and have yet to master the 'sleepy walk in the dark to the crappa' journey without injury, does present even more challenge. And then there's the excruciatingly long wait till the alarm goes off just playing ridiculous 'shoulda, woulda, coulda' lamo fantasy situations in my head. Nooo... not THOSE kind of fantasies!!! For some reason my avid readers... sleeping in someone else's bed has this anesthetic effect on a woman's libido.
So... in short, I am this pathetic mess of a day-dreaming, sleep-deprived-fridgid-nana who's only current excited associated with bush and any alternative meaning connected with the term is watching the wood pigeons get drunk on berries and fly beak-on into tree branches, amusing... yes - fricken hilarious actually. Other more 'sensually-insensed' people might find the hum of the natural native Waitakere wildlife invigorating and... strangely arousing. But me... although it is peaceful and relaxing and beautiful it is so highly inconvenient. I've been novocained by nature and its... quite frankly... pissing me off.
Other than that... life's just freakin peachy actually. I AM staying in a Titirangi hideaway that is just bloody marvellous and is really doing my scarred and skanky soul quite a bit of good actually... even though I've only been here a few days. I still feel a little out of sorts... it's a pain in the arse that its so... temporary. Story of my life really... always a temporary thrill - limited real-life fantasy. No wonder I can't farking make my move on Mr Chemicals. I'm always believing everything is temporary and I shouldn't get too attached because its (oh wait for it... I feel a song coming on) OOOOOON-LY... MAYYYYKE...BEEEEE-LEEEEIVE.
Yeah you can put the tiny violins away. So I'm feeling a little sorry for myself...SO I'm smackin' myself up a bit for being chicken shit. So I'm completely insane but hey... that's how I roll. It's so funny... I am on my upmost BEST form around Mr Chemicals... I hit every one-liner with precision... I have 'em all hooting with laughter and I'm having fun... but the downside of the up is the down, and the downer is everyone is up and I'm... shit... I lost my point. So the downside of being up is everyone else is up and I'm thinking... I feel so down when I'm up... and when I'm up is when I shine so the come down from up is a reeeeal downer. But I shouldn't BE down because I REALLY TRULY am UP at the time. So I'm up and down more often than a gynocologist which is started to trip me out. But its an ORSUM up and the down isn't like a REAL down... its just a little.........
Lonely.
It's very quiet out here.
Even the fridge has stopped creaking. The owner PROMISED IT WOULD CREAK.
There's not even any spooky 'past-life' vibe or anything here. Nothing goes bump in the night. Except the cat. Now after many years of living alone (apart from my darling son) a purring cat climbing all over your head in the wee smalls kinda freakin' sucks. "Fluffy" is old. Constantly hungry. Is a 'mute' meower... (I've never been able to lip read, or speak 'pussy' so communication between us is, understandably, suffering). He has the loudest purr in the world. I thought cats only purred when they were content, happy, settled. OOHHH NOOO... Fluffy purrs just to piss me off. "PURRRRRRRRRRR... yes I'm climbing on your face...PURRRRRRR... smell my ass..... PURRRRRRR... here comes THE CLAW BABY...PURRRRRR... you like that don't you?....PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... hmmmm... if only my balls were still there this would feel AWESOME.....PURRRRRRRR... ooooh I'm so hot right now I'm dribbling... all over the side of your head.... yeaaaahhhh...PURRRRRRR..."
Fluffy is old. He dribbles... a lot. He purrs.... a lot. He eats... a lot. And he's now just discovered that he can not only fly but still land on four paws - who said I can't teach and old pussy new tricks? Case and point. When he's good... he gets an egg in the morning with his bickies... when I am wretching while cleaning cat-drool out of my ear at 2am... yeah-nah... it's not looking too good for the old fuzz ball.
Well this post went nowhere fast... and I'm not even drunk. Dammit. Perhaps I should be? Perhaps I should be drunk with Mr Chemicals coz then NOTHING would faze me... except the following morning when I have to explain why he has a cat stuck to his face... yeah... not the same thing. Sounds similar but rooooollly different.
And on that strangely disgusting note... I shall retire. In hopes I make it past 3am - drool-free, and without the dizzy scent of chemicals sending my last three functioning braincells into frenzied turmoil.
Goodnight.
Wish me luck with my pussy. Metaphorically speaking.
Stoopified Stylz.
It ain't easy being green.
xxx
2 comments:
( Ah-hem, Gunna have to post this anonymously as I seem to have forgotten my password for google account..F#*K! But its meee, your bloggee and biggest fan, lori jones international wo-man of mystery and all things of squishy consistency)
Awwww! I feel like such a biartch! sorry vikki darling, baby, ears full of cat drool swetheart!
NOW, down to buisness...Im here now, and have come to the rescue!!
*deep breath, hands in taichai mode, the zen is here...ahhhhh breath out*
Right! first things first...need some extra info/background on Mr chemistry..Howd'ya meet? when and where do you usually bump in to him etc..? To form an efficient plan of action, we need to know just what were dealing with here. *one eyebrow raised assertively, then winks and gives short nod in your direction*
Next step: Slap! Pull ya self together woman! Its a god damn war out there, we're outnumbered, out unwrinkled, and the bitches have all got bigger boobs! We need to have wits, and smarts about us at ALL TIMES!
Tip #1: Always emulate confidence...even if you've just sharted, doused ya pants with wizz, or have just realised you have a hunk of dog crap on your shoe, and the smell wasnt coming from nigel in accounts after all.
Be cunning, move further away, so he cant smell you, but NEVER drop the "yes Im available, and can be choosy" flirty eyes!
Tip #2: Know your strengths, Dont focus on what you havent got, and allow that killjoy to convince you you're unworthy! You have heaps to offer, that miss big boobs, tiny arse, couldnt muster up if she fell into a vat of brain cells, and awesomness!! Believe it! Know it! You have beautiful eyes, beautiful skin, an unmatched wit, and talent oozing out of your pores...Find all the things you like, and have those in your head when Mr chemicals walks in the room. It takes practise, But you can doooo eet!
Tip #3: For gods sake get in his personal space! Wall flowers stay wall flowers..You may be risking the sending of a message that says: I am unnaproachable, and will keel you if you attempt to speak to me, let alone look at me!
personal space tactics, need to be used carefully...only be there for a few seconds at a time, wearing your nicest smelly's (no dog kahawai on shoe for this one), and never make eye contact whilst in 'the space'..It says "yes smell me, feel my chemistry, see how awesome I am...and no you cant have it! you must earn it, see Im going now" lol Trust me! It works! and is sooo easy to apply eg: "can I borrow the stapler" (use the space), "here is your stapler back, thankyou" (use the space, and then NOTHING, for another day or two..mor hor hor!
Tip #4: Open statements eg... "Oh man, I really want to go to this new cafe Ive heard about and grab a cuppa, but have no-one to go with...sigh" etc...(much cleverer and less obvious than this of course, hey its the morning and Im still on my first coffee, cut me some slack) But Im sure you catch me drift ;)
Sooo! theres a few to get ya started...and hopefully bitch slap miss killjoy Im not worthy cow, back down to size!
Biggest trick (and hardest) is to Just love yourself, know your awesome, and know he'd be the lucky one mate! WE all think your incredible and georgous, bout time you did too huh!?
Good luck miss stylez, aunt agony has to sign off now, and skull back coffee #2, metamorphis into an actual functional human being, and pull my finger right out of my beige dahlia!
LUV YA!!
Lori xoxoox
P.s. Tip #5: NEVER listen to me! bahahahhahaa
Aw Lori... yer totally fricken ORSUM! Just what I needed to hear... although it may not come to fruition with this particular Mr Chemicals... I now have A PLAN... so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel!!! Bring on the sparks!
Love ya girl!!!! Thanks :-) XX
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