Behold! Belly dancers and a free Friday...

Well hello there my dedicated followers...

Doesn't it just rip your undies when the first Friday you have off the weather is arse. You know, even though the trade off is 10% less salary, I think I might like these regular long weekends... its so nice to be regular :-)

But it was kinda weird to begin with - last night was one of the L O N G E S T nights in history I think... jeez why aren't like that when I'm working the next day - you get a whole hecka shit done! Maybe I was bored - or horror of horrors - lonely but the evening went on forever.

I think I was just a bit excited about my Friday off... it made me feel... ooh kinda 'naughty' in a way - not in THAT way you sick bastards... in a wagging school kinda way. Like I've faked runny poos and takin the day off to go to the beach or something - or been up all night er.. 'talking'... and you utilise your rough voice to call in sick so you don't have to er... 'exit the moment' so to speak - not that I ever DO that... I have too much guilt and work ethic. What a freakin nerd huh?

I slept like a baby... got up and got cracking. 7 yawns in a row around 1pm today told me perhaps I could have done with a wee sleep in but hey, I got shit done and that... was awesome.

I finally completed the saga of the lost phone... my baby never turned up and with the phone network not being able to find their arse with both hands I've resorted to my old 'still can't work the thing for shit' model. Consequently if you've received phone messages at odd hours with what sounds like a train station/rave in the background and text messages that read "hey ho" don't take offense... joystick issues. Who ever thought up the bright idea to put that microscopic useless piece of plastic in the middle of the phone must have been one-helluva coordinated wanker that's all I can say.

So I rock into the cop-shop... yeah got to admit it... little bit of wee came out - wasn't drunk, have warrant and rego and wasn't in trouble but I still got a bit nervy about being there. Rang the buzzer and asked this incredibly casual looking bloke if I could file a police report... "So what's happened to ya" he said without looking up from his report pad. Vik goes into nervous Woody Allen mode.

"Yeah well ah you see..." rattle rattle blah blah blah TMI garble garble "missing phone not like me SOO organised Cambridge morning rang taxi rang hotel no luck broad daylight Telecom are arse insurance..so this means I don't have to pay an extra $300 bucks - primo for me... and that's about it really".

He just smiled... took his finger off the "call the whitecoats" button and politely gave me my police report. Sweet man. Off I went.

We now cut to the Telecom shop - lovely little Asian salesgirl Diana whom I ripped into the last time I was there [because I failed to supply a police report which Telecom insurance had failed to advise me] saw me walk in, went white, totally tried to hide (and being so petite she could have done this easy - behind a freakin Nokia handset actually) and came over with her hands shaking. Being the nice person I am I said sorry... blamed it on a bad day - just stopped short of mentioning PMS, slapped my glorious documentation on the counter and held my freakin breath.

She walked away with the phone on speed-dial to the insurance company. I felt dizzy so I remembered perhaps another breath was good... let out a wee nervous fart and waited.

She emerged with a grin on her face, colour in her cheeks and a lovely little box that held my sparkling new phone. I let my breath out with a big sigh and tried hard not to well-up in the shop or fart again.

Yay! I walked out of there like I was on lithium... whatever that feeling is like - I expect its awesome.

Slid past the pharmacy... when a glowing light beckoned me in... it was a set of scales - oh god. My stomach knotted, I started sweating and I'm pretty sure I let another one go but I thought to myself "You need to know... since you've started this journey you need proof" so I held my breath again and walked towards the looming mechanism of depression.

The result - not as bad as I thought - in fact I have lost a couple kilos. I am under 80 which is awesome for a shortarse like me... yes my BMI could run a fish and chip shop for a few months but it's not too bad... so I chatted to the skinny "yes I used to be size 14" (whoopdy shit) nutritionist there for a wee while and got some bloody good and well-needed inspiration. Reinstating the fact that I can actually do this... and I only need to shed about 3 small children and I'll be farking gorgeous. Great! I thought it was going to be more like the equivalent of an entire Catholic family.

With my new found willpower, ignorning the grumbles in my mono-ab I sailed out of the chemist in search of whiteware... yes if you blend it... it will come. The taste that is. If I'm going to have a love affair with cauliflower and his other dirt-grown counterparts, I need something to be creative with - AND this one (so sayith the box) has ICE CUTTING BLADES. Orrsum. Once I'm skinny I can make margarita's to celebrate - WOOHOO!

So a full day of delight and expeditions galore was had... and tonight just to give me ADDED inspiration, I'm off to watch a play about belly-dancing. Yes. With bare tummys and tinkly coin belts. Very cool.

Speaking of hunger pains... must share a brief moment of weakness with you... weakness and triumph so all is not lost... I was driving back from a school drama show on Wednesday night... I'd been fantastic all day - even after the low-life arseholes in my office were filling it with the delicious smell of freshly baked sausage rolls... one of my many weaknesses. But I kept my cool, enjoyed my rabbit food and dead fish and successfully polished off 1.5 of the two litres of water I need to drink to stop me from shrivelling up like a rasin. So I'm driving home... it was about 9pm and I was freakin starving! All I could think about was a bloody Angus burger from maccas. And I mean ALL. I had a limited time period, I needed to get home for my fix of vampiric pleasure... True Blood... so I was gauging how long it would take to get to Kelston, go through the drivethru, get my delicious calorie loaded burger and scream home to rock and masticate in a carnivorous frenzy in private while watching the bloodsuckers.

I WAS CONSUMED
I WAS TALKING TO MYSELF
I WAS A MESS
I WAS SHAKING
I WAS SWEATING
I WAS WEAK
I WAS LOSING THE BATTLE

but then... [insert heavenly harp music here]

I DID NOT PULL INTO THE MACCAS DRIVETHRU.
I DID NOT HAVE A 3 BILLION CALORIE BURGER FOR DINNER

I DID HAVE RABBIT FOOD AND DEAD FISH
I DID POLISH OFF THE 4TH BOTTLE OF WATER
I DID HAVE TO WEE THREE TIMES IN AN HOUR
I DID FEEL REALLY PROUD OF MYSELF AND I DID...
...still want an Angus burger - but I want collarbones more.

GO ME!

Well... not the most thrilling post my friends but hey... need to keep you up to speed with the goings on. Hope you have a fabulous weekend and please... have a burger and a few beers... on me :-)

Peace out
Skinny bum Stylz
xxxx