Soy-ya later...

Hello black-hole of cyber space...

People say talking to yourself is the first sign of madness... actually I think that statement is a bit blip now... I find it rather therapeutic, specifically via this portal... it's like that completely gratifying, blood-curdling scream you let fly in the car when hurtling along the motorway.  Sure, fellow motorists think I must be related to Steven Tyler but (after I've put the window up - bugger) and have another crack I think who gives a shhhh... right? coz it feels friggin' fantastic :-)

Translation: "Shhhh"... an acceptable form of using the international word for crap i.e. SHIT in a non-offensive way, more so apparent in American 'radio edit' versions of pop songs.  Personally I think its absolute bollix and slightly embarrassing because it proves I've obviously listened to said pop songs that influenced it's absolute ridiculous popularity probably more than once... crikey :-O

So yeah... now we've cleared that up, back to talking to myself.... of which I've totally lost track of where I was going with that (I know... nothing's changed!).  I think it was just me having a wee bit of a pity party because I blame myself for losing my blog readership... which didn't really exist anyway but I spiked some interest for a while, almost double figures in fact! And then... well let's be honest, it wasn't that I didn't care, I just got... umm... yeah, lazy.

Actually no... I got busy AND lazy.  Yep I'm "BAZEY"  I think I am the only person in existence that is talented enough to claim the amalgamation of both.  Boom! What is that... a contradiction, an oxymoron or just pure genius?  Look I never thought I'd be the type to be caught up in my day job but geez you know I think I have?!  I was talking to a good friend of mine Bishalicious and we both agreed that we have almost totally sold ourselves to the demon beast that is the 8-5 'er and 24/7 stress witch.

Its funny not only do I actually miss the Stylz that threw herself into plays and auditions and god knows what else and it seems that I'm not alone - amazing and awesome to think that - thanks!  I never worried about how many people came along to shows I was involved in.  I used to feel bad when people apologised profusely for not attending because they were under no obligation as far as I was concerned but when they did I loved it.

I had a think about it and realised I probably now have a window of opportunity to commit to something creative for oooh... a pitiful 3 months of a year... and frankly there just hasn't been anything timely or suitable for me to sink my teeth into! Now coming from a girl who would bust out a coupla shows a year and perhaps a wee bit of something on the telly I am rather disappointed in my efforts!

With a massive year behind me of spouting personal growth and healing I think its about time I sorted this out, right?  Yep I agree.  Blimmin' poor showing Vik.  Watch this space.

Now that we've addressed one of the elephants in the room... let me touch on the subject matter of this post.

SOY.

Okay I've probably just lost the last of you.  But oh I'm going there... yep - read it, or not.

Soy is shhhh...

Probably just redeemed myself there...

Okay so let me explain... to my avid readers you've heard me harp on about the mono-ab and its ability to appear and disappear literally overnight (like most of my past relationships) and I yo-yo diet more than AJ Hacket has hot dinners because inevitably I get 'Bazey'.  Well, I tell ya, did life kick me in me big bazey butt or what.

Yep. I had 'tests'.  I had the "please call the nurse urgently" text message.  And then those words most women in their 30's and comfortable with denial do not want to hear "you do realise you're in your 40's now..."  Aw crap.

No more jokes... I had to make changes.  REAL changes.  That stick and that are not just part of an ongoing animated convo with the girls over a juicy Merlot and some jalapeno tempura or hell pizza (depending on the proximity of payday).  Where its 'all in', you're totally committed, enthusiastic and everything starts "next week!" and the results are... you don't eat for 2 days after out of guilt and let's face it - potentially hungover.  Plus, you don't see the girls for at least 6 months after for two valid reasons, jealousy; there's at least one chick that sorts her shit out and looks fantastic and that just pisses you off no end and, embarrassment; you know you're bigger than the last girls night no matter what you stuff yourself into, how many hours you starve yourself beforehand and how long you can hold your bloody breath while simultaneously sucking your guts in while sitting in too tight jeans.

And then... you get told no more mucking around. Vikki Stylz, This Is (literally) Your Life.  Ooh...faaark.

It took me about 4 weeks before I got the balls to introduce the Soy.  It still sucks, it's freakin' weird, it takes an extra shot to kill the funky 'old sock rinsed in nut-juice' after-taste and it's STILL not even close to a large mocha with 2 marshmallows (skinny milk and no extra sugar though - what's the big deal???) but I have stuck to it and this weekend marks my 8-week anniversary.

Crikey I've even cut down the coffee consumption because there's no way I can drink that weird hippy concoction more than once or twice a week.

Oh how it broke my heart.  I have said goodbye to so many things lately I've kind talked myself into some form of malnutrition affliction who's major symptom is waves of extreme loneliness for various edible crap, like M & Ms. Or cheese. Carbo-loads. Or that illusive trim mocha latte. Or just a friggin luncheon and sauce sammidge for christsake!!!

But unlike my "you look well" dilemma I blogged about pre-doctor's orders... I actually do.  Feel.  Am.

Monoab has wriggled down an impressive number of dress sizes, skin is hydrated, sleep is awesome, glossy healthy hair oh and it would be inappropriate for me to mention movements or motions so I'll avoid that. (Woops...dammit!!!).  And by crikey do I feel  like a sexy 40-somethin' Mama with nice pegs and a teeny little butt.

So trying a healthier lifestyle, for people like me, is a pain in the ass let's face it... but it actually does help.  I'll sustain it as best I can - oh I will totally fall off the wagon... probably every turn, land in the mud and most likely animal poo too but the fact I actually bought the wagon itself as my preferred form of transportation is the main thing.

(Do NOT tell me that you didn't think that analogy rocked...)

Okay so totally workin' my size 10 non-stretchy jeans without a muffin-top and artificial breathing apparatus is awesome...  I couldn't ask for a better life than where I'm at and the rest of the adventures ahead, the lessons learned, the ones to come, the bond of friendship and the embrace of family.  Everything is cool and I'm so okay living in my single world...

But.

Look it may just be worth considering...

I mean... I might just almost be ready... I dunno?  Is their like a pee-stick test I can take to find out if my insides are suitably prepared?

And hey... mull over this "hypothetical" situation - is having a crush on someone you don't even know count or is that just slightly odd and potentially psychotic? Coz that's so not the look I'm going for... if it was me of course, but we're talking hypothetical here... so its not... K? Back-off. Geez, calm the farm.

Finally the 64,000 dollar question - what IS the deal with Tinder?  That so cannot be my only option.

Balls.  Or lack thereof... please read, please comment, its totes a cry for help.  Or a hookup :-)

Stylz - Re-sized and edited for Television and... LIFE ITSELF.

xxx

PS - Drinkin all this soy and harpin' on about gluten-free-this and non-fat-that just wouldn't be right without an Ode to my lovable self... so here it is for your reading pleasure... those that saw it performed at the poetry evening will know that it is MUCH better when in the flesh...as am I... but hey... close your eyes and think of me - well, HALF of me now bitches!!!!!

ODE TO THE MONO-AB

Have you ever had

A love-hate relationship

With a body-part.

The attachment is purely physical

But insanely emotional

You do what you can to ignore it

Then, stupidly, you feed it. Literally.

You scale it, measure it, suck it up, poke at it

Stuff it, squeeze it, crush it,

wrap it in cling film…

(Just once...)

It would work a charm, if sweat glands didn't exist.

You make fun of it, cry over it, admire it, despise it

And yet somehow…love it, because it’s part of YOU.

That’s me and my mono-ab

There can be only one.

The noose around my neck

(Or the tire on my tummy)

All my freakin’ life

Blocked, bloated and bulging or

Shrunken, flabby and gurgling

She’s there…

Just…

Hangin’.

When the mono-ab is under control

Wearing jeans and breathing simultaneously – rocks.

When not and your fly explodes in public – not so much.

A trapped bulbous mass, crushed in half

is a fleshy pressure-cooker

The zip has no chance.

Frantic crotch grappling is a reality, when you’re a chubba-chup.

And not in a good way.

It's nice at the end of the day – to peel the jeans off

And not look like you've been hacked to pieces, and survived.

Or, you’re limbs have been sewn on, by Frankenstein

I have no right to cram poor mono-ab into such a confined space

Its belly abuse – the naval protests…

What naval?

I have a naval?  Ssstop it…

I’ll Google-map it later…

Camel toe… Is. Not. Good.

Just putting it out there

Or NOT.

Mono-ab thinks its fricken hilarious

It isn't.

You don’t purchase fashion for the mono-ab

You pray for an illusion

Or an app

Called “Hide the Life Preserver”.

There are so many positives…

When a mono-ab lay dormant… for instance

It's nice to put back fat behind me.

oh come on that was GOLD

You see, a supportive bra, above a cooperative mono-ab

unlike the mono-gremlins

does not multiply 14 pairs of nipple-less breasts

unless you feed it after midnight

And… it’s nice to wear undies that do not require retrieval

with a drill bit and a mining crew.

Although that does sound like fun…

In saying that – all credit to the mono-ab,

it has always been considerate

It never stood in the way of any ‘exploratory expedition’

Well… not intentionally.

 However, mono-ab...

We've been close over the years, 

we've had good times and bad,

but I shall never forgive you for getting in the way

of my talents to give myself…

A phenomenal pedicure.

Among other things.

You know… obsession is good for the mono-ab.

Desire your way to thin…

Perv away the pounds…

Who needs to breathe when you have a crush?

Suck that puppy in 24-7

If you turn purple…apply more makeup

Amazing results, very little effort

I see the makings of a best-selling series of

self-help pamphlets:

"Free from fat through fantasy: A chubber's guide”

“Obsessive Compulsive Mono-ab”

“Mono-ab for Dummies”

"Mono-ab Anonymous is for Anorexics"

"Camel-toe – Just Say NO"

"Defining your obsessive boundaries around your mono-ab"

"Beware the fake obsession - Mono-ab Sabotage"

"When mono-abs go bad"

"Falling off the wagon..."

(Followed closely by the sequel…)

"Losing the wagon IN your mono-ab"

“Love me, LOVE.. MY.. MONO-AB”

and finally…

"Thin, but slightly bonkers... who cares, I'm thin"

© Vikki Cottingham 2013

Life Lift. Don't I look WELL!!!

Raro-Glow October 2013

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

How do you like the look of my new fancy schmancy blog then? Pretty ain't it...

Okay,okay, alright, alright... I know what all (one) of you is thinking; "Happy New Year? Happy NEW YEAR - bloody rich coming from you missy who left us in the lurch since April two-thousand and fricken THIRTEEN!!!

I have been overwhelmed (okay twice) with requests for new posts – apparently some of you sneaky peekies think I’m funny. Right – cheers, no pressure!

Look I’m just gonna be straight with you all… it has been quite a year… no I haven’t had a boob job, tummy tuck, botox, colonic, hip replacement, more babies OR a toy-boy footing the bills and cooking BUT… I have had a “LIFE LIFT”.

(Life-Lift –ooh-err…That literally just came to me. I am awesome. I should patent it before someone thicker than me but more photogenic runs with it and makes a bajillion bucks in 27 minutes. A-holes.)

Anyhoo I digress (nothing has changed in that respect). Yes I have successfully lifted my fantastic life out of the crapper and into the light for the first time in about 3 decades… not pretend either – for real.

Although I’m now forty-ish with the attitude of a 20-ish but the intellect and maturity of a fricken amazingly hot, proud, Westie (ageless) mama… I feel completely in perspective.

There’s something empowering about embracing your perfect imperfections (not mine that one unfortunately but I do like it). The frame of mind is clearer, chest is relaxed, sleep is undisturbed, the twinkle is true, the laughter from the belly, a bounce in the step and it’s a bloody nice place to be.

And people have noticed.

“You’re looking…well…”

Crikey. Did I look that sick before? Is it just my tan because brown fat looks “more well” than white? I thought when people said “you look well” they are, in the nicest most passive-aggressive way referring to you being slightly on the flubber side of fabulous. Junky trunky… wobbly bits, more bumps and humps than Atkinson Road but brown so ‘totes confusing?’ to the superficial eye.

Or… (and this is MY preference) does my positivity emanate so bright that it strikes them dumb (or dumber), like a full-on angelic halo where they just cannot find their tongue from their toes. I’ve never been described as beautiful really – not in a supermodel, playboy, blow-your-mind-as-well-as-your-paycheck-amongst-other-things sense anyway. ‘Cute’ maybe at best…So my best guess is that I am literally now blinding people senseless with a radiation of awesomeness and inner beauty. Yes. Yes I like it… it certainly takes the taint off the “you look well” comments… “Why thank you!! I AM!!”

So…for you voyeuristic sickos… my year in review – condensed and edited for television naturally 

1) Whooping cough epidemics contracted – ONE

2) Embarrassing bodily dysfunctions whilst suffering whooping cough – NO COMMENT

3) Trips to Hawaii – ONE

4) Whale-watching experience of a lifetime – ONE

5) Moments serenading Humpback whales with voice unlike that of Kiri Te Kanawa - ONE

6) Wheelchair rides off international flight due to flu caught IN Hawaii – ONE

7) Valentine’s Day 2013 fail – ONE

8) Breakups that changed my life – ONE

9) Dating too soon fail – ONE

10) Poetry reading success – ONE

11) 40-hour Film Fest - ONE

12) Trips to Rarotonga – ONE

13) Rides on big block trikes – ONE

14) OE Trips confirmed and paid for – ONE

15) Christmas Grinch successfully annihilated – ONE

16) Not-my-finest-moment-moments – TWO

17) Positive outcomes from said not-my-finest-moment-moments – TWO PLUS LICORICE ALL-SORTS

18) Mono-ab – ONE (refer previous posts if you are a newbie to Planet-Vik)

19) Christmas pressie ideas nailed – MULTIPLE

20) Wicked R and R over Christmas weeks – almost THREE

21) Positive vs Negative thoughts – OH THOUSANDS

22) “You look well” comments – WHO CARES

23) Menopausal onset freakouts – NONE! SOME... A LITTLE BIT... MAYBE... OR NOT... *FLUSH*

24) Suspicious menopausal hairs appearing on chin – ONE (but I got the lil f*cker)

25) Special people blessings – infinity plus ONE

26) Blogs completed – ZERO. Fail.

27) ENGAGEMENTS!!!!.........................

None.

Made you look - hehehehe

I won’t leave it so long next time I promise… I have some spectacular shit to share so please, watch this space, tell your friends and remember:

If you can’t be good – be quiet!

Oh and Hippy Burpday Mum xxx

Confessions of a Chubba-chup

It came back.

Well can't say I didn't help it just a little.  Okay - A LOT.

REVENGE OF THE M O N O A B

*shudder*

Several dozen Corona a week can do that to ya.

Those dedicated blogees around in oooh 08/09 ish will remember this... the tears, the turmoil, the triumph... how oh HOW could it have gone so horribly wrong? 

Holy shitballs... I've figured it out (again)... same shit - different explanation... it is the attack of the muliple C'Z

Codys.  Yes, yes you may be right...

Chocolate.  Uh-huh that too I agree, yup, yup...

Couch.  Oh shit yes, absolutely paramount part played. 

Corona's.  Oh.  So, sooo many Coronas... blerrk!  (Ever noticed how they smell like wacky backy after a few doz?  Hmmm, curiouser and curiouser)

Crying.

Crap.

Ciggies. 

The final three kinda speak for themselves really except the last was replaced with the first 5.  Ace plan.  Not.

There is no clinical terminology for it, booze-hagatosis? Piggywiggy-itis? Lazy-arse-adocious?  Hmm these do spring to mind but thats a bit playground harsh really - you and I both know they are not actually medical terms.  Sounds more like a song from that little known musical "Merrily Poppin'" called "You can't fly, ho, you're in rehab, hallucinating".

Truth of the matter is that I let myself go. Mass disappointment :-(

SO the process begins again... FFS!! (google it).  This time there is a support network though and I'm probably doing things the right way rather than surviving on a powdered promise that kinda tastes like a strawberry quik when there is only about 4 granules left in the tin - yeah quick but not 'berry' nice :-) ha ha ha.  Right.

The monoab's been a totally different obstacle this time around I must say - a rather clever monster - not unlike 'The Blob' actually.  I'm serious... it was...darker, sneakier. Its capacity - massive, its hunger - insatiable and a sinister thirst that was unquenchable.

It started off easily tuckable into various freaky, stretchy, stomach-holding-in aparatai...and it worked quite nicely at hiding the slowly spreading muffin manifesting within. Of course then, in what seemed like 'overnight' the inevitable and humiliating "TRIPLE S" occurred.

SPLIT SAUSAGE SCENARIO.

All I can say is 'be careful what you tuck in, for fear of what may pop out'.

At times I resembled an overfilled icing bag.  I had bulbous protrusions from my armpits, shoulders, hips and a brand new bum situated on the front of my thighs.  What the...? Not to mention my famous additional nipple-less breasts growing on my lower back.  Thank god I never got that tramp-stamp I planned... bloody thing would look like a 2-year-old's squiggly line on terrain that rugged.

Oh I felt bad about myself... I had to get a bit of a rock-on to heave myself off the couch...it hurt to sleep on my side - legs committing GBH by just lying on each other.  My hips felt like they were in a pressure vice and if I lay on my arm... it took at least an hour each morning to wake the damn thing up... makes the usual female pre-work prep, polish and preen ritual a bit challenging when you've only got ONE FRICKIN ARM! 

I also had to purchase... *gulp* leggings AND jeggings.  Real jeans were a distant memory - if I wanted to breathe and perform bodily functions like normal people. 

Every piece of underwear I owned felt like bloody bondage gear. 

I huffed and puffed and blew my way round.  Even my brief career at football wasn't the silver lining I hoped for... I was better at the bar than the ball.  (I know - no surprises there)

I kind of resigned myself to the sadistic self-loathing attitude of "oh well, I'm over 40, maybe this is ME from now on". 

But fark that jelly.  I decided that if monoab was gonna play dirty - so was I.  

I ditched the piss.  It really isn't great for any part of me anyway... who wants to be a sad nutcase, drunken, fat cow?  "Not I" - said the pig :-)

Although this mighty huge step made a significant difference in my brain activity, unfortunately the damage had already been done further south...and this was only one part of my wayward lifestyle.

Okay... so I listed what I love:

Chippies
Choccy
Bread
Pasta
Bickies
A fucking awesome burger.

Hmmm... does ANYONE want to address the obvious 'elephant' in the room.  No?  Okay I will then...

"Stylz... you're freakin diet sucks."

Yeah no shit.

"And get off the frickin couch..."

Grunt.

For months now I'd been really good at one thing when it came to food - I was actually having breakfast, every day - well every WORK day at least.  After that I was pounding vitamins like balls of crack.  All the goodies... EPO (for chick shit), Fish Oil (odourless of course, we girls have enough issues thanks very much), B Stress (so you WON'T B Stressed), Probiotics for the pooper, Slippery Elm to assist, Magnesium at night for nervous system, Adrenal support in the morning for that extra mental kick but balance out the mental bashings.

I'm the only woman I know that can swallow 8 tablets at once.  Told you I could eat.

So I figured I had two steps already nailed - brekkie and vitamins.  Next step - water intake.

Whether we like it or not... if its Atkins, Jenny, Tony, Dukan, Can Can, Lemon, Slimmers or whatever diet fad you've got your freak on, every single one of them tells you to up the H2O.  And EVERY TIME I DO I LOSE WEIGHT.  So simple.  So freakin annoying.

Since it was winter I started drinking hot water - more cost effective than my previous aqua of choice 'bubbly water' and pleasant.  Of course though you've barely wiped your hooha before you're busting again.  A friend of mine's husband told her she was "pressure cleaning" the toilet with the amount of fluid she's flushing through their ensuite on a daily basis. 

Yeah I pee.  A lot.  But I can now multitask - I bend over to shave my legs - while breathing.  Winner. 

So I've got the water happening, the vitamins, the most important meal of the day covered, a bit of a detox programme in the evenings so now its the dreaded INBETWEENERS.

Lunch and Dinner.

A favorite pasttime of mine was to starve all day... maybe have a kit kat at about 3pm (nom, nom, nom), then go home, sugar crash, then eat continuously until about 10pm or until I ran out of food.  No wonder my bedroom was a noxious gas chamber. 

I removed all quick fixes from the pantry, throw some hippy food into a container each day and take it to work where I survive on the crunchy freshness of whatever salad/vege concoction I create.  Then at home I make something resembling a healthy tea at night.  And I'm getting pretty good at both.

Pretty soon, it was obvious the 15 missing bickies each night was actually making a difference.  A slow decline... but a decline indeed.  Slow and steady wins the race - a proven fact by the tortoise thank you very much all you "except for that black dude in the olympics" smarty-pantsies.

6 weeks has passed I have formed a wee pattern of better living in my life - not strictly depriving myself of the odd treat - bit of cheese in the old omlete or a bite of  Mr Chemicals's yummy something (I'm referring to FOOD).  And I've changed shape significantly.  Not a huge plunge in weight - I didn't want something unsustainable like last time - but a little drop, day by day, week by week.  Mind you, when all your eating is lettuce which is mostly water and you're pissing like a racehorse then the law of averages suggests you may shrink a tad.

Next little hurdle... find that big scary machine buried somewhere under the drop sheets and paint cans scattered in the spare room. Ah... there it is!!... Not frightening at all when you drag it out into the living room so you can run AND watch the telly!  Woohoo! I do not know why I didn't think of that the first time I bought the damn thing.  Who cares if it doesn't 'go' with anything - I got no matching shit anyway and with it sitting out there all big and threatening in the corner, staring me down when I'm playing my daily 'can I really be arsed' game of self doubt... at least I can't hide it away and pretend it doesn't exist... kind of what I used to do to myself really :-)

So it seems this new twist on a very old Vik may be working.  Again.  Well... it always DID work... I just couldn't be arsed paying the wages...

Oh christ I've gotta go... I've blabbed on for far too long and I need to gaddam pee again.

Peace and love for monoabs...

Yeah right.

Lots of squdges (bony ones)

Stylz

xoxox

My Bucket Runnith Over...

I am in an AWESOME mood!


Hmmm… you know midway into summer when you down tools around the house one weekend and maybe decide to go for a wee drive along the stunning Noo Zuland coastline? You zoom around the winding roads with the windows down, your hair blowing around like a Beyonce video wind-machine-special and singing your favorite tunes loud enough to piss even the seagulls off….

During your wee soulful sabbatical through the rural farmlands and coastal communities you come across ‘honesty boxes’. Little fruit and grocery sheds next to mailboxes along the highways, with some of the brightest, biggest and juiciest fruit and veg lovingly bagged for your convenience and just a wooden money box there to donate something in exchange for getting 4 x times the size of your regular 5 plus a day at a fraction of the cost…

This is where you find the best fruit ever. Always juicy, never sour and definitely without that ‘freshly thawed’ glassy tasteless flesh. Ohh yes… roadside fruit is the bomb-diggity baby. My fav is finding the TRUE New Zealand black grape… the ones that you used to pinch from the neighbors’ backyard vine when you were a kid… thick black skin… pale green centre and the sweetest taste in the world… a real rarity in Aucks now and some overpriced Californian bland substitute cheats you into a disappointing purchase if you’re not prepared to venture further afield.

Bear with me… this is goin’ somewhere I promise…

Best peaches and nectarines in the world along the roadsides of Aotearoa… perfect texture, not too soft not too hard and a pure taste sensation when you bit into them and the juice runs down your chin… it’s just magical and soooo satisfying.

That’s where I’m at right now… my life is the first bite of a freshly harvested summer peach…

When it came to “Life Begins at 40” I was pretty skeptical – probably because 40 started with a guts-ache and a crap rather than the funfair ‘hiss and a roar’. I’d like to forget my 40th birthday for a lot of reasons not associated with age. I have survived the first 9 months of 40 – 5 of which were pretty fricken weird like I was functioning by remote control externally. I held my emotions inside like I was wound tightly with a rope and all the while feeling like I was trying to hold in a massive fart or sneeze of emotion or something.

There would be times when I barely made it home and inside the house before I’d collapse in a heap. Wishing I could just close my eyes and feel at peace. Shut down the voices in my brain and release the rope from my chest.

And cry. Oh man did I cry. Which is good but when it started it was nearly impossible to stop… I had a buggered washer in my waterworks that’s for sure!

But now… as I take a swing around to look at the path I’ve just trampled through I am pretty darn excited with where I am right now…

My life is the first bite of a freshly harvested summer peach… and it feels bloody good inside and out.

I can accredit this peachy time to so many positive influences and people in my life… my love, my family, my friends, my work colleagues, The Big reTHiNK and all the great people I worked with on it and all the wonderful stories that were busted out to the universe for the very first time ever… yeah I have a lot to be thankful for… mostly me really.

For being brave, for listening to my heart and following it, for finding my inner peace and acknowledging how good it is to be me.

To carry on the trend of goodness, it’s “Pink for a Day” today supporting the NZ Breast Cancer Foundation and I think I’m the first person in my 8-5 history that has ever had the balls to wear a bright pink wig and a tiara into a male-dominated environment. Gotta admit though, the blokes have impressed me today… most wearing something resembling the closest and most manly form of pink they can stomach :-)

To add to the frivolity I made a batch of pink chocolate chip cookies last night that came out pretty darn good if I do say so myself… gave a handful to my coffee lady who freaked out at my pink wig hehehe. So what a change aye? I hardly recognize myself… I’m at home cooking and baking my arse off not out drinking and rooting my brains out hehehe – do I miss it? Not on your nelly. Do I regret it? Not one second. Well perhaps that one time... :-)

Not only THAT, but today my successes have also reached a financial win-fall seeing me bursting out of a sleepless toss of budgetary stress that threatened my beauty rest AND my wallet. So… I really can’t see any downside to this situation?

Holy Shitballs. Am I finally believing in myself?

Off to buy a lotto peeps!! Yep… IN MY PINK WIG!!

Woohoo…!!!

Lots of luff and squdges…

(Pretty in Pink)

Stylz

xoxox

One Moment in Time... When I'm More Than I Thought I Could Be...

The Big reTHiNK 2012 - Best Director, Vikki Cottingham "Mad O Phobic"

A bit of a 'toilet tribute' from my fantastic cast...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n1Y5YdZTAL0

Full blog of blubbering to follow... but I'm a wee bit lost for words right now... it's a bit hard to talk through this shit-eating grin that is a permanent fixture... pig in poo people, Pig. In. Poo. :-)

Okay I've calmed down now... well no not really hehehe... aww mann!  What an awesome way to ice an already sa-weeet tasting cake!!  I humbly and honestly thought that this would go to another person on the night... and I'm almost positive I wouldn't attempt a 'poke, snatch and run' ... almost... :-) 

But they called MY name. 

A little westie nuthin' much from suburban Glum Eden won a people's choice award for a job that most don't really understand and that had nothing to do with "AM-DRAM" but a professional production with a phenomenal message performed in DOWNTOWN AUCKLAND at the stunning Q Theatre.  Far out that is quite trippy when I type it out loud :-)

I tried to accept the award on the night with poise, elegance and grace but in true Westie style I squealed like a banshee and then promptly started leaking out my eyeballs and nose and exclaimed loudly into the mic "holy shitballs!"... dammit. 

I couldn't help it... this meant so MUCH to me... and I don't mean just the beautiful hand made sculpture trophy (which is amazing), or the shiny gold badge that has my name (even spelled correctly) on it... but this WHOLE EXPERIENCE.  From the moment I typed "Okay I'll do it" to 3.30am last Sunday morning when I said goodbye to the final few left standing of my new friends this has been the best experience of my life. I get still get this teary, well of massive achievement inside when I think about the last 6 weeks and what was accomplished by so many people from so many backgrounds and walks of life.

It had everything...passion, commitment, empathy, hilarity, comradory, professionalism, support, talent, uniqueness, dedication, belief, pride and an immense amount of love and positivity and every single person involved in it or watching it felt exactly the same and part of it.  It was a truly amazing show. 

So now its time to fall back into normality (hahaha - inside joke) and back into the daily routine and beejesus its pissing me off!!

After feeling so good about everything and it also being Mental Health Awareness Week AND Awareness Day today... I felt a bit lost.  Almost like I needed a big cuddle from all my reTHiNK friends again.  The 8-5 is SUCH a drag.

Let me try and explain a bit of my post-production emotional turmoil...

Lets see... well, its like wearning a comfy outfit that you feel totally sexy and secure in and then being forced to put on an ugly school uniform that make you feel fat and insignificant... you know you HAVE to wear it...it just doesn't fit.  I work to live - that's my uniform. Don't get me too wrong, at the 8-5 its cool and there's heaps of neat people, great mentors, challenges and mostly fun stuff to do and I enjoy it... but I long to wear my comfy clothes most of the time, heck all of the time! Or, even just a little bit of the time... I just wish it was possible :-)

Its also a bit of a self esteem thing... I've been high as a kite on excitment adrenalin for over a month and almost kaliedoscopic all of last week so theres' got to be some kind of a come down... a withdrawal.  Its just such a shame because I felt such joy and absolutely confidence.  In who I am, what I can do, my heart and my mind... I wish I could have bottled the feeling, honestly it was wonderful.

But that's all part of MY personal challenges... and I take too much general human ignorance to heart :-)

So I must accentuate the positive!... What did I do for Mental Health Awareness day to make someone happy and smile?  Well I cooked a yummy dinner last night... first attempt at Chicken Chow Mein from scratch, then baked a Carrot Cake - again a virgin experience - and shared them both... no one died (hehehe) :-)

Everyday I stop at the same coffee cart parked at the Church on Donovan St in Blockhouse Bay and Mikayla, the barista who makes the BEST trim mocha's in West Auckland, is there, rain or shine, greeting every customer with a smile, a free coffee now and then and even free brownies for her regulars just because she appreciates their business.

Mikayla is from Romania, her husband is a chef currenlty dabbling in DIY and they have two small children and they are the nicest people in the world.  Lately Mikayla has felt a little down, not sure of why and has shared how upsetting it is for her.  Maybe it is the pressure of saving for their trip back to Romania later this year, having to leave their home, the children's school and friends or just that thanks to hubby her kitchen pantry exists in her wardrobe - that would bum any girl out :-)

I remember a few of my darker days where just her smile and "how are you beautiful lady" would bring tears to my eyes and she'd come over to the car window and rub my arm reassuringly.  I don't know why I felt it was okay to show my feelings to her but her warmth and sincerity just comes across so effortlessly.

So today, in giving back to the energies of karma I took Mikayla a piece of my carrot cake.  It had rolled around in the container a bit... smooshing the icing all over the place which blew my MKR-style presentation... but she accepted it with great joy (like I'd handed her... oooh an 'award' or something!) and exclaimed:

"Oh 'fank you!!!  Caallot Cake is my favorilit and I did not eat-a bleakfast today so I gonna eat it now!!!!  Oh vat is so luffly of you!!!" - yep... just the same as when I gave her my shopping stickers for free glasses - immense, genuine joy.

Cool aye?  Two strangers... both see each other for a maximum of 5 minutes on weekdays... both shared pain and joy.... coffee and cake :-)

Hope you get heaps of hugs today and you have a happy heart tomorrow :-)

Lots of squdges

[The AWARD WINNING...]

Stylz

xoxoxoxox

Reflections before reTHiNK…

I am in THE BEST MOOD EVERRRRRR!!!!

It is a week out from dress rehearsal for The Big reTHiNK…Hey! I hope you’ve booked… you better or you are gonna miss out! www.qtheatre.co.nz – GO! Do it now and THEN come back and read the rest of the blog – OK? Good. Don’t make me come over there…

So…we open next WEDNESDAY October 3 would you believe and aw man I am having an absolute BLAST!! We had great fun taking some cast photos on Sunday, we were goofing around and having a few laughs with each other while striking ridiculous poses. Then it was down to the business end of the day – rehearsal with the actual set furniture designed and built specifically for this show… interestingly LARGER than our rehearsal furniture but you think it phased the brilliant cast of ‘Mad o Phobic’? Nope. Not a sausage. Took to it like a wee duck to water. Like they had used it all along. Good kids - Mama’s stoked 

It’s a beautiful thing working on a very short but very original play... you have more time to experience the fact that audiences, actors and even the writer themselves don’t have some other version done at another theatre six months ago to compare it too. Haha – score! And who knows where it will go to from here.. The Dophin? Howick Little? Titirangi. The Basement perhaps or even Silo? It may travel… Court Theatre, Downstage, Circa? Who knows. West End maybe or oooh BROADWAY! And a Tony win for the musical adaptation to top it off. The possibilities are endless with a brand new play.

I PROUDLY come from a background in community drama… “AM-DRAM” as the ‘air-kissers’ refer to it and I am living proof that it is one of the best places to develop your craft. Not only in performance; but in professionalism. It is where the unwritten theatre etiquette is passed down through member to member, ghost stories are swapped, tales are told, memories gathered and suburban theatre legends are respected and revered.

These lessons I picked up as a 13-year-old novice performer with a desire to win an Oscar are so prominently featured during my journey to The Big reTHiNK show than ever before. So much is filtering in through my memory. Like performance advice from many different directors, feeling the energies, the encouragement, the depth and thought they put into every character and every aspect of the story. It blew my mind watching everything come together and it still does – every time.

I would see my extremely talented Mum create a pre-revolution French ensemble from scratch, worthy of an Academy Award, in our little kitchen out of yards of fabric cutoffs. I’d watch in fascination teams of volunteers’ - hammers in hand - building, molding, lifting, shaping, transforming a tiny stage into a completely different world.

The artistic flare of those gifted with a brush that spent hours into the night painting a deeper illusion into our make believe world, their backdrops and set enhancements taking audiences on a journey- back in time, forward in time, into different rooms, countries, forests, views, intimate moments and breath-taking storytelling. During this process of evolution you are surrounded by art and creativity whether you are ‘on the boards’ or not. Volunteers, friends, partners, neighbors, siblings, all driven by respect and an immense love for what they do.

Back in the days of manual lighting changes, portable tape decks for music and sound effects, stage managers that ran around cueing silently by theatre sign language and twenty actors all puffing on ciggies in the tea room at half time dissecting the audience technology and tact may have evolved but the actor’s half-time performance and crowd breakdown remains unchanged like generations before.

I remember clearly at final dress rehearsals the looks of pride in the bloodshot tired eyes of the crew … the Director with a hint of a tear and wobble of emotion as they formally hand the reins over to the Stage Manager. The buzz of opening night, the surprises that come with every performance, the friendships, the dramas and the many MANY fantastic cast parties on closing night.

This was my childhood, my escape, my pastime, my passion, my playground. It still is. Over 25 years of magical experiences, people and amazing storytellers. And here I am watching the magic unfold once again with The Big reTHiNK. Different theatre, different faces, same glow, same love – brilliant stories.

For the cast of ‘Mad o Phobic’ or “My Phobies” (including our awesome writer Lynz Wilmshurst and our wonderful PA Rachael Brough) I am so incredibly proud of them. They have had a challenging road that they hit with massive determination, commitment and passion. It is my hope that during this journey, all 8 of these amazing artists have gained a world of experience and come away with a huge sense of accomplishment. They have also taught ME a great deal in just a few short weeks – my teary eyes and wobbly voice will no doubt give that away.

Amazing. Just look at what a small team of people can do together when they play make believe and believe in making a play. In eight minutes.

See you all at Q Theatre :-)

Vikki xx

Like Minds... Like Mine. And have a BIG reTHiNK :-)

Sooo... what have I been up to lately?  Well despite the rumours I do actually have a life and don't just sit at a computer having a bleat to the vast blankness of the fibre optic universe.  Honest?!

This blog is all about what is keeping this little gal out of trouble and off the streets... yeah, honest!

In fact there are two facets to my life right now - one creative and one productive... one does my head in and one's in my head.  Guess which one is which from the two options below:

1. I am renovating my home
2. I am directing a short play for a huge arts festival

Yes I guess you could say I'm 'directovating' right now and even thought it has its challenges, man it is refreshing but one helluva mash up!

•  The house is a pigsty but the play is like clockwork.

• I'm an absolute klutz but a perfectionist
• I spill paint everywhere but my 'cutting-in' skills rock
• When I get excited with my cast the ideas flow thick and fast and look great in my head... it'd be freaken awesome if at that point my tongue was actually connected to the picture in my brain not asleep on the job. 

I also have to confess that yes... I have been... 'blogging around'. I'm sorry!  I couldn't help it... it was too good an opportunity to miss - my little piece was published on a website like, for real, using my actual name and everything... it was almost as exciting as seeing my Robbie Williams article (written solely around my obsession with his tight arse) published in Rip It Up magazine a decade ago! But hey... don't you dare feel like you aren't good enough to be here anymore - oh no my bloggees YOU have the privilege of seeing my SOUL... feeling my heart beat... laughing at my hilarious antics and losing yourselves in my sick mind.  Now THAT'S special.  Friends again?  Sweet.

Now that we've got that cleared up... you can either have a look here at the blog or you can just continue reading and you'll find it slotted in somewhere below...

First of all, a little bit of background info about the project I have signed up for courtesy of the official press release..

"As part of the Like Minds, Like Mine Campaign to reduce the stigma of mental illness, two kiwi mental-health promoters are attempting to bring attitude change to the public on a global scale.

Artistic Director and Producer, Taimi Allan explains “the purpose of reTHiNK is to take an audience safely through a journey of madness and into recovery. The family-friendly show attempts to mimic the rollercoaster of emotions associated with mental health challenges in a way everyone can relate to, without being lecturing or confronting” Mental-health promoter and co-producer Miriam Larsen-Barr adds, “The best thing is people go because it is entertaining but they leave with a message that makes a real difference to their lives and the health of our community.”

The call for creative works with mind-altering themes went out around the world in March and people from across the globe have answered in their droves. Final scripts have now been selected for The Like Minds Big reTHiNK and the production phase is now underway.

The top twelve 2012 scripts selected blind for The Big reTHiNK launch event at Q Theatre (October 2nd – 6th) come from America, Australia and across New Zealand. (Mine's called 'Mad o Phobic' by Lynz Wilmshurst). These plays are being professionally produced and directed at Q Theatre for 5 performances only to launch the first ever international mental-health arts festival.

And underway it certainly is... here's my first blog...

Rocking On with The Big reTHiNK

Tramping the boards since she was a young one and portraying everything from Smurfs to desperate housewives, Vikki Cottingham’s first love is theatre....

I stumbled upon directing during my days teaching for Donna Clark's Drama Studio where I wrote and directed term-end pieces for each of my classes.

In 2008 Titirangi Theatre launched their 24-hour Theatre Challenge... and I have put my hand up to direct every year since.

Every theatre challenge experience is exciting and rewarding but when Like Minds Like Mine and RETHiNK came on board in 2010 something special happened .

I was directing 'Beautiful Minds' written by Luke Derrick and the level of passion and creativity throughout the whole production was amazing.

It opened the door to a whole new world of talent and audience. It felt wonderful and fresh - I had a real purpose. My own personal experience with mental illness like many others was not taboo or hidden - it was embraced and celebrated artistically with awesome class and professionalism. I was so proud.

In selecting a script for The Big reTHiNK 2012 the stand-out for me was "Mad o Phobic" by Lynz Wilmshurst. You know you've found the one when you see it performed in your head from the first line in - sorted, job done, rock on with the fun stuff.

Many thanks to Lynz for "a cracker of a script", Taimi and Miriam for the opportunity again to be a part of something so cool, my awesome cast, the grouse production crew, RETHiNK, Q Theatre, Titirangi Theatre, and of course... my family.

And of course you can get tickets to see The Big reTHiNK from Q theatre.

Enjoy the show!

And now your personal, behind the scenes, condensed and edited for 'reality' television, special preview, exposey of the soon-to-be-smash-hit play 'Mad o Phobic'.

Ladies and Gentleman... A world first

7 Directors... 100 auditionees

One shot to shine…

Like Minds, Like Mine

Live from the Q Theatre

This… Is The BIG ReTHiNK

AUDITIONS

Sunday 26 August – 0700 - Somewhere in West Auckland tucked up in a cosy queen-sized bed...

BEEP, beep, beep,beep, beep, beep…far out - shock treatment for the ear drums. An alarm on Sunday is a completely foreign experience for me so I start the day more disorientated than usual. I also realize with great surprise that I’m a little bit on the ‘nervy’ side to tell you the truth… however off I go to a rather professional audition session to cast actors for my play ‘Mad o Phobic’ being performed at the 2012 Big ReTHiNK showcase at Q Theatre early next month.

I get more excited the closer I get to town…I was thinking about the writer of ‘Mad o Phobic’ - Lynz – we had the coolest catch-up a few nights back. Going over script together sharing some inside info and background dirt, well enough about me… she got to talk about herself and the play sometimes too - honest! It was a great night, and of course I am stoked to report that we were both… pardon the pun… ON THE SAME PAGE. Nice.

I arrive at the rehearsal room in the fantastically flash-as Q Theatre and I am handed the audition sheet. First thought is “far out there’s a few of them, what a grouse turnout”. I figure I’m going to have to have a pretty good system to make sure I can remember who they are and highlight those actors I’m going to do battle for. Easy peasy, off we go, warm up and then stuck into the monologues, good start. Asterix there, red pen here, underline there, question mark there. Sweet - I am on a role.

Suffice-it to say my system was crap.

Everyone was SO GOOD. It totally blew my mind and by the end of the day I had literally cast just about every person that walked through the door. Six times over. I was a mess. So here I was going from cool calm and a bit of a crack-up to flailing around bits of paper, red-faced, trying to figure out my weird asterix and red pen code. What a disaster.

I was lucky enough to have this funny little gut feeling that stayed with me for almost all of the day regarding most of the parts I needed to cast for my piece. During selection process this made things a little easier. I did have to flap around with a stack of photos so I could re-instate said gut feeling but in the end it was a highly successful and rewarding experience!

Lesson learned – ditch the red pen and go with me belly instincts (Please note that this is the one and only time I’ll give my ‘muffin top’ any kind of positive kudos at all… perhaps now it will be satisfied and willingly shrink?)

So I have a delightful cast… very eager, very committed, very cool. Naturally I establish that I’m a hoot to work with and we’re going to have a blast. I do this cleverly with witty emails full of well-organised information. Hopefully this makes me at least LOOK like I know what I’m doing so they won’t notice my knees knocking in sheer panic.

Sunday comes around very quickly and it’s our first official rehearsal. Everyone sort of dribbles in one-by-one, on time and obviously full of nervous excitement just as I am and we commence with our very first read-through of this crispy new script, the words bouncing off the page and poking you in the eye. Yeah! It is pretty cool.

The cast also got to hang out with Lynz for a while which is such a bonus. I mean how often can an actor get a chance to sit down with the writer of a play and pick their creative brain? Lynz also got to see her literature come to life – albeit in its infant stages. I got over my nerves a little and by the end of the day I think I found my director groove thanks to a great afternoon of creative collaboration.

So now I sit… waiting for the arrival of cast so we can embark the next vital step of this journey –

BLOCKING.

Give me strength!!

Okay now tix are on sale for The Big reTHiNK ... (I've spread the link all over this blog like peanut butter and jammy)and looking at the lineup of short plays, music, stand up comedy, art, film - the fact it is family friendly (yep no 'EFF' words or dodgy themes) and it launches Mental Health Awareness Week WORLDWIDE... you just HAVE to be a part of it... so don't miss out!!!

See you there

Stylz
Thesbian (that's with a TH!), Director, DIY expert and PUBLISHED writer
(yeah bitches!)

 xxxooo